Being Ingrained: A Short Interview with My Man

I asked my man a few questions about our progress as a 24/7 couple.  

We've found a sliver chain necklace that works well as a daily reminder of a collar.

me: I whined a lot about the collar you bought me being uncomfortable and you didn't force me to wear it.  Has it become a training collar?  

Him: It has.  

me: I know that I've been starting a lot of sentences with verbs.  

Him: I have noticed it too.  And you've been asking questions that begin with "Can you [do this or that]?" which is basically the same thing, but yes.  Go on.  

me: I've noticed that you haven't been reacting immediately.  I've been trying to do my best, but I think I become indignant without reinforcement.  [laughter] There's a tension in me about trying to do my best and be good, and wanting to lash out or misbehave because of the indignation.  

Him: Where's your copy of the Tao Teh Ching? This book has helped me often in my life.  Here's the quote I want you to read.

The highest type of ruler is one of whose existence
the people are barely aware.
Next comes one whom they love and praise.
Next comes one whom they fear.
Next comes one whom they despise and defy.

When you are lacking in faith,
Others will be unfaithful to you.

The Sage is self-effacing and scanty of words.
When his task is accomplished and things have been
completed,
All the people say, "We ourselves have achieved it!"

me: I've been wanting to write [here] and I've been unsure how to talk about the reality.  I've been drawn to thoughts of our humanness.  You've never had a real shot with a slave who desired to submit to you and I've never really had a master. 

Him: We have made significant progress though.

me: Yes.  When I've felt indignant about not having reinforcement, I've told myself that you're aware of my behavior and that your are not reacting, to my fumbling the rules, on purpose.  I've stayed away from losing faith and all the bad things that come with that.  

Him: I like my style of leadership.  I think I'm a good leader.  It takes time to build real loyalty, which is what I inspire in people.  People who have served under me [in the Navy] have always appreciated my leadership style.  When someone says they'll follow me into battle that means a lot to me.  It means they're willing to die for me.  I think you should consider that quote and think about the recent changes in your life.  I don't think you would have made a lot of those changes if it weren't for me.  I think you've made significant improvements with me.  Maybe you just weren't ready for my style.

Rule No. 1

There are some basic rules in my relationship that must not be broken. The brevity of the rule and the degree to which it is the degree to which I break it dictates how I am punished. Here's one rule I struggle with more than others:

"You are not to give orders. Sentences that begin with verbs are orders."

Now here's a bit about that rule. It was created for me by my master. He is even so kind that he explained exactly why the rule was made. To understand it you have to know about my mother. Let me get right to the point and say that she is more than a little bossy. She's not a control freak so much as she doesn't consciously realize that people might be able to do things appropriately of their own accord. She also has Multiple Sclerosis. I'm not going to get into the details of it, because I doubt I'll talk about my mom frequently here. However, my theory is that her bossiness was at least doubled by her fear of losing mobility and perhaps doubled once more just by virtue of her being an aging Jewish lady.

Now you know I'm Jewish on my mother's side too! See how fun this can be?

Anyway, back to the context of the "no verbs" rule, as I think of it. This rule is very tricky, since the simplest concepts of being are ruled linguistically by VERBS. But more on my struggle with it in a moment... the rule was created because my master wants me to be the best me I can be. The me I dream of being.

I have lots of dreams. I make them into goals or stories. I work hard and I'm training to work more efficiently so I can realize even more of those dreams. One of my dreams is to be ready to market myself as a healer. I want to market myself so that more people, who are looking, can find me and come get healing. I suppose one of the things I believe I need to do in order to achieve this goal more fully is get more training at listening. In order to listen to others more intentionally, I must first listen to myself. I must speak with intention and cut out the bossy sharp edge in me.

Here comes some of my soon-to-be-famous wisdom

Bossiness is a behavior born of fear. People are bossy because they don't believe that they will be satisfied -- that they will receive enough. They have a fear of there not being enough for them. Fears, unexamined, become behaviors.

Let's counter that. Love, becomes behavior too. Most of us, in culture "these days", are not trained to be running on the fuel of love. We have very little love inside ourselves that we didn't have to consciously grow. I mean, of our own accord. Intentionally. Fear, however, we are fed practically as soon as we are sucking our new mama's teat. I don't mean to sound dramatic about it or anything, but think about it? Can any of you who read anything anywhere argue with me?

I wish you would.

It makes sense that a slave would have rules. It's the basic premise of slavery that decision making is out of the slave's hands. Why would I choose such a life? Well that, my friend is a very good question.